I declare I am "Socially Awkward"

Why?! Even if it is family friend who I haven't seen in couple years, I still feel so stiff and awkward when I am around them! I feel terrible and they have the utmost good intention too. I learned amazing things from other people but I never know how to reply to them or acknowledged their accomplishments. I want to thank them for sharing their experience with me, but I don't know how. (this will be a good thing to search up on Google.)

I want to talk to the person next to me at tennis practice, but I have no idea what to ask or start the talk! I want to talk, I want to know the person better, but I don't know how! I love to talk and get into discussion but it is so hard just to find the right topic to dive in. I generally distance myself from people who I kinda know but not really because it is awkward to talk to them and have a dead conversations. Why am I not warm and out-going like other people, who always know how to start a conversation and let it flow instead of nervous laughs and awkward silence? I never seem to know to choose a topic or introduce it to a conversation without sounding too weird or out of place. I never have the witty and smart and funny replies that get people a good laugh out of it nor smooth an awkward act into something funny.

Perhaps this is why I like instant messaging/chatting-it allows me time to think and reflect to come up with the most intelligent and funny response I can come up. It is almost like I am becoming a different person who has an amazing public appearance. That's why I am addicted to social media. That's why I hide behind the computer screen.

The worst fear I faced everyday at school and with other people is not fitting in and belong no where. No friends to go to during lunch or meet up after school. I fear silence and what other people think of me. But the funny thing is, I shouldn't care what other thinks because their opinions don't matter in my existence, yet I do and I don't care as much opinions of those who matters. Time to switch thinking here, girl!

But really, I don't have much to loose. What else can I lose after I lost my best friend who I console and trust in. The past doesn't matter I must remember that. Don't try to fit in! That's the worst thing you can do in high school. Be that weird girl who can't talk and not embarrass herself to save her life! I have no reputation built, I have no reputation that people care, I have no reputation to lose. Count how many conversation will turn dead tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and the day after that. ]

The more I got, the more I tried, the more I gained. Go live freely! Be bold, be embarrassed, be ready to burn my cheek to red! :P

I am desperate or am I?

I read a really popular blog the other day and I am going to do what the blogger said about making a successful blog. First thing you need, is dedication to post something at a certain period which is like life itself. The one thing I kept failing is being committed and sticking to a plan and a goal. I posted I was going to stick to the schedule, but I haven't kept my promise. I said I was going to workout and study vocabulary each day, instead I laid back on the sofa every evening and watch meaningless TV shows that seem to provide relaxation for the brain so how. I don't like sticking with just one friend because I never know what the other people has to offer and when that friend will turn their backs on me. I never sleep early anymore, early I meant before 10:30pm, not because of homework but because I need to do something that will make me feel good about myself and makes me forget about my troubles. From watching movies deep into the night to chatting with friends at 12:00am, I am unable to stop myself from being addicted to this lifestyle which I know is horrible and unhealthy. It's like alcohol or drug, I guess. The sense of addictions for companionship, let it be mine or fictional.

I am not the laziest person around at school, but beside school work, I lost my curiosity to explore other subjects and persistence to keep exploring and not just stop at the first page of the guide book. People say when you are desperate enough, you will do what you need to do and put in 110% effort into everything that matter to you. Am I desperate? Am I passionate about anything? I am interested in many fields of study and life, but on my free time, I never seem to manage get my brain to look away from the computer or TV screen and actually go search up online and read some science research paper. I may have the smartest brain, but I would never succeed like Thomas Edison, simply because I lack the determination to reach my goals.

Goals they are so far away and abstract, that I never seem to be able to reach them. Even when they are being visualized and carried out one day, they disappear into the smoke on another. By the 2 or 3 or even 4 in the morning, the movie is finished. As I watch the end credit and shutting down my computer, I regret and blame myself for staying up AGAIN and think to myself how I will plan tomorrow's evening and I will sleep by 10:00pm. As tomorrow comes and goes, it just became another today where inaction and pleasure of not thinking take over my brain. Maybe I will start something small, I will start posting on this blog once a week and whenever else I feel the need to express myself. It doesn't matter the length for now, I just need to get in the habit of doing it and follow out my plan. My bedtime, workout, vocabulary, and many other stuff in life will come into the play as this blog is posted at least once a week, no matter how short it looks, no matter how meaningless it seems.