Why?! Even if it is family friend who I haven't seen in couple years, I still feel so stiff and awkward when I am around them! I feel terrible and they have the utmost good intention too. I learned amazing things from other people but I never know how to reply to them or acknowledged their accomplishments. I want to thank them for sharing their experience with me, but I don't know how. (this will be a good thing to search up on Google.)
I want to talk to the person next to me at tennis practice, but I have no idea what to ask or start the talk! I want to talk, I want to know the person better, but I don't know how! I love to talk and get into discussion but it is so hard just to find the right topic to dive in. I generally distance myself from people who I kinda know but not really because it is awkward to talk to them and have a dead conversations. Why am I not warm and out-going like other people, who always know how to start a conversation and let it flow instead of nervous laughs and awkward silence? I never seem to know to choose a topic or introduce it to a conversation without sounding too weird or out of place. I never have the witty and smart and funny replies that get people a good laugh out of it nor smooth an awkward act into something funny.
Perhaps this is why I like instant messaging/chatting-it allows me time to think and reflect to come up with the most intelligent and funny response I can come up. It is almost like I am becoming a different person who has an amazing public appearance. That's why I am addicted to social media. That's why I hide behind the computer screen.
The worst fear I faced everyday at school and with other people is not fitting in and belong no where. No friends to go to during lunch or meet up after school. I fear silence and what other people think of me. But the funny thing is, I shouldn't care what other thinks because their opinions don't matter in my existence, yet I do and I don't care as much opinions of those who matters. Time to switch thinking here, girl!
But really, I don't have much to loose. What else can I lose after I lost my best friend who I console and trust in. The past doesn't matter I must remember that. Don't try to fit in! That's the worst thing you can do in high school. Be that weird girl who can't talk and not embarrass herself to save her life! I have no reputation built, I have no reputation that people care, I have no reputation to lose. Count how many conversation will turn dead tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and the day after that. ]
The more I got, the more I tried, the more I gained. Go live freely! Be bold, be embarrassed, be ready to burn my cheek to red! :P
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